I have a confession to make. I’ve never been on a real, live, legit, fairytale induced date. I’ve been out with men who intended to show me a nice time, but never one where his goal was to amaze me. Maybe I have jaded expectations and a knack for choosing the hoi polloi of the entire male species. Maybe I need to start dating outside my race and abandon my dream of being blindfolded and swept off my feet by that chocolatey, Zeus like man, Lance Gross. Either way, something’s gotta give because I only have a range of subpar to horrible date experiences to reference.
Granted, I’m fairly young and I’ve never dated outside of what could be considered comfortable or acceptable, nor have I ever lived outside the state of MI. I feel more comfortable in a committed relationship and am sometimes put off by having to weed through the roughest of coals in order to find a precious stone. But I still deserve a bonafide, romantically comedic date, right?
When I was in undergrad at Michigan State University (GO GREEN!) I was approached on a hot summer day by a young man who had been waiting at the campus bus stop with me. We initially spoke cordially to one another and them commenced to staring out at the steam rising from the pavement across from Berkey Hall. Eventually he sparked up a conversation about what class I had just left and complimented me on my “tan”. He was taller than me and muscular, donning flip flops grey sweats with a strategically stamped Spartan “S” and a tee shirt , to which I automatically attributed his affiliation with a sports team.
I conversed with him out of sheer boredom because during summer sessions the busses run on abbreviated schedules meaning that depending on what time I got out of class I could be waiting for a half hour to catch a ride to my off-campus apartment.
He continued to flatter me with compliments and did his best to try and pick my brain for a way into my psyche. He even missed a bus and opted to walk across campus to his next destination in an effort to continue our chat. Despite my reluctance, I eventually succumbed and gave him my cell phone number so that we could “go out”. I got on the bus hoping he’d never call and was immediately thrown into avoidance mode.
Surprisingly, he called on a day that I was bored out of my mind, laying in bed, catching up on reality t.v.. I didn’t recognize the number and still picked up. He re-introduced himself to me and reminded me that we met at the bus stop and that he wanted to accompany me to lunch.
We agreed to meet at Chipotle. ha!
I called my bff immediately and let her know where and with whom I would be meeting. Got dressed and jumped in my little black Cobalt.
Upon my arrival and not much to my surprise he hadn’t arrived. I waited for a few minutes while I looked over the menu and people watched out the huge picture window. I realized, I’d forgotten what he looked like, oops!
He walked up to me and smiled while saying hello and I noticed what the glaring sun must have blocked before; a chipped tooth. Ugh!
We skipped past the small talk and hopped right into line, ordered and found our seats.
Over lunch our conversation was comprised of the most absurd things.. We talked about why I ordered my burrito in a bowl and opposed to wrapped in a carb-filled cloak and this is all while he is scarfing down his burrito like its a mini-slider. Woof!
I became more annoyed with him as he began to blur the lines of “getting to know you” and a full on FBI Investigation. When was the last time I’d had sex? Why don’t I have a boyfriend ? Why am I picking over my food instead of devouring it like a malnourished junkie with with munchies…..Sigh!
Then he hit me with okedoke! He asked me if I would mind babysitting his two kids while he went to take an exam. His baby’s mother was on her way up I-96 and he needed to leave the kids with someone.
Needless to say I stared point blank before my head fell into the palms of my hands. I laughed hysterically beause I knew it had to be a joke. I mean it just had to be.
Alas, it wasn’t. He offered me cash and everything in exchange for my impromptu babysitting services before I slid my burrito bowl to the side of the table, called him nuts and left.
And that’s my worst date ever. Nothing on the opposite side of the satisfaction scale to compare it to…
What about you? Any hellish dates? What am I doing wrong here?
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