Dear Melissa: I Want What They’re Having

Dear Melissa
I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years and we’ve been together for a total of 9 years. We have a great relationship, so much in common and a strong, fabulous bond. I consider myself so lucky to have such a wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with. I only have one little problem, Melissa. I’ve never had an orgasm with him. Actually, I’ve never had an orgasm with anyone, including when I try to achieve one by myself. Is there something wrong with my relationship or is it just me? I listen with envy as my girlfriends discuss their sex life because, even though I think my husband and I have great sex, I know what I’m lacking. I want the real ones because I’m tired of faking it and I don’t know how to discuss it with him without feeling silly or embarrassed.
Thank you,
Wanting what they’re having

Dear Wanting,
Oh honey, it’s more like…you’re NEEDING. Badly. Let’s talk, girlfriend. You say you have a great relationship with a fabulous bond. Well, use that bond. Have the kids sleep at the grandparents or WHEREVER. Carry in a wonderful, romantic dinner. Open a nice bottle of red (or white, depending on your preference), look your man in the eye and open your heart. He isn’t a mind reader, he’s probably pretty darn sure that you’re talking the same talk as your girlfriends.

But first…

Know that it happens to be relatively normal to never have climaxed, with roughly 10% of the female population in the same predicament that you find yourself to be in. You aren’t alone, is my point.

With that being said, you need to know how your body works so that you can show him. Remember, all these years he’s thought he has been pleasing you, he’s going to need to be retaught. By you. So girlfriend, you need to start touching yourself. Know your pleasure points so that you can guide him. Think about investing in a vibrator! Check out what we had to say about some different kinds. You need to find some alone time so that you can touch yourself…in the name of orgasmic research.

Orgasms are muscle tensions. Sometimes, to best achieve this particular sought after muscle tension, you need to tense up. So much for just laying there and enjoying. You need to work it, baby. Tense up your tush, tummy and legs. Some women claim that they were able to experience their first orgasm this way.

Try different positions. There are some that are proven to work for women, ones that stimulate the clitoris or g-spot during penetration. Find some different ones here.

Clear your mind, don’t think about the dishes that need to be put away, the laundry that needs to be folded. Don’t worry about how you look in the glow of the candlelight or moonlight or overhead light, he doesn’t care. He loves you! Actually, don’t think about anything except what you’re doing. Have a chant or mantra floating through your head, maybe a low (or loud) moan. Or, try fantasizing. Pretend you’re on a beach, in an alley…wherever, with whichever type of guy turns you on.

Remember, the more turned on you are, the better chance you have of the grand finale. Get lots of foreplay in. Then, when you can’t stand it anymore and are ready to explode, let him in.

Lastly, once you’ve tried everything and nothing is working, go and talk to your doctor. There may be a medical problem such as Female Orgasmic Disorder and with the proper treatment can be helped.

Best of luck to you,

photo credit: google images

This article brought to you by the good folks at Urbane Apartments Royal Oak Michigan, Urbane Apartments Ferndale Michigan,Urbane Apartments Birmingham Michigan, and Urbane Apartments Dearborn Michigan

Melissa Brodsky

Melissa has been sharing too much of her life online for the past five years at She recently Co-Founded a social media company aptly titled Smart Savvy Social ( because she and her business partner are both smart AND savvy. When Melissa isn't cleaning up after her 5 kids, 6 cats, 2 dogs and various other household pests, she can be found obsessively twittering as @rockdrool. 


  • Travis Brevard

    AND – Stop faking it. PERIOD.

    It’s so much harder to find that magnificent O-FACE of yours if the huzzbund is convinced he’s still scoring goals. And if you’re not telling him what you need, how you need it and so on, but just hitting the applause button to save his pride, neither of you will be able to truly progress. Like so many great things, this cannot necessarily be achieved alone – yinz’ll need to work together, communicate, and take your sweet damn time as recco’d above. Telling him the truth isn’t necessarily going to destroy him or his confidence because, after all, he WANTS to please you and he WANTS to do the best job he can. So he needs to know – from you – how he can best help you enjoy those occasions as much as possible. Personal exploration definitely helps, as you need to discover what really does it for you, so be sure to visit those sites and check off those boxes, too (because he’s not going to know your buttons any better than you will). But in the end, honest, open, unabashed communication is the key. He needs to be in on the business if you hope to blow the roof off – and you will get there. Good luck and get down on it. :)


  • Brian

    I’ll agree with Melissa here. There is no way he’s going to be able to give you an orgasm if you’ve never had one before, and haven’t been able to give yourself one.

    You need to start masturbating and you need to figure out how to give yourself an orgasm before anything else can happen.